Christians love to use the scripture in Proverbs that says to "train up a child in the way he should go." I wonder, though, if we get the full meaning of what is being said there. Here it is in the Amplified Bible, which expands on the meanings of words in the original Hebrew:

Proverbs 22:6--Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it. (AMP)

Sort of puts a different spin on it, doesn't it?

To "train up a child in the way he should go" does not mean to force your kids into a mold or to decide for yourself what that "way" is. Rather, it means to seek out God's plan for your kids. Identify their gifts and listen to their interests--try to aim them at God's purpose for their lives.

Ephesians 6:4 reminds us, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." In other words, don't bring them up in your own training and instruction--that's exasperating! Rather, bring them up in the Lord's training and instruction! We need to keep our focus on Christ at all times!

If you do this, then "when they are old, they will not depart from it." By helping your child discover their identity at a young age, they won't have to struggle so much trying to figure it out on their own as an adolescent. Furthermore, as they enter adulthood, they will already have a firm foundation in Christ from which they will not depart.

Train up your children according to their individual gifts and in the instruction of the Lord!

God bless!
--Art--

A Parent's Concerns...

Yesterday, I received the following e-mail from a concerned parent. I thought it would be a good way to start this blog out because it is so closely related to my own story and personal testimony. I should say that the nature of this particular blog post is for an adult audience and deals with childhood sexuality. The names have been changed to maintain annonymity, and some of it has been edited to aid in readability:

Dear Art,

After reading your testimony, I have a question for you. My son Mark is 8 and has a friend who he goes over to his house about once a week. We know their family quite well and their son is an only child and needed a lot of help learning to become a good friend and get socialized, so my friend was begging me to send him over to help. They have a lot of fun together and my son likes going over there. About 6 months ago, though, my friend said that her son thought it would be funny to take their pants off and underwear and like "have a war" with their penises or something like that. So they were in his bedroom and when she went in they were on his top bunk with their penises out. Nothing (thank God) happened as far as them touching each other or anything, but it really freaked her out and she was distraught over it. I really wasn't that upset about it, I just thought it was a normal "boy exploration" thing. But then a couple weeks ago I overhead her saying to him, "No Timmy, you don't kiss boys and don't kiss anyone!" Then he said, "Well I just did this..." and made a noise with his mouth. He really enjoys playing with girls. Any advice on this?

We also live in a townhome complex where I have taken many of the children to church, and ministerd the Gospel to them, but we have many new families moving in and about 30-40 kids with about all of them coming from dysfunctionl families in some way or another. The oldest ones are in high school. I call them the Little Rascals because (besides our family and our children) the kids are out by themselves all the time just hanging out with each other. I am with my children when they are outside, but now that Mark is 8 I do let him go sledding in the winter with the other kids and play in our front yard with some of them. But there are always many kids outside and many ages; and like I said, I am praying for them all and their families--but they come from rough situations. Where do you draw the balance between wisdom and fear? I pray, plead the blood of Jesus, intercede, pray in the Spirit for them--all of that. At what point do I trust God to protect them without me always being there?

Any wisdom or thoughts would help about both situations. I guess the whole point of the story with his friend is if you were a parent, would you be more cautious? At first my friend said they can't play with the door closed, etc. But that changed and now when she picks him up--I am never there, and she is usually not really paying much attention to what they are doing.

Blessings, Anne.

Here is the reply I sent to Anne:

Hi there Anne,

Thanks for the great questions and your faith in my ability to answer. Although I’m not a parent, I have an Associate’s Degree in Child Development and nine years of experience working with all ages of kids, so at least I’ve got a little background to draw from.

Regarding your son and his friend, I believe I once heard Dr. James Dobson say that the healthiest thing you can do is not make a huge deal about it, but rather talk very matter-of-factly with your son about why certain things should be kept private. You were right about it being “normal boy exploration.” I think one of the wisest things would be to help counsel the other boy’s mother about how to deal with the situation properly. If parents get all upset about such a thing, a child won’t understand why--but they will learn that their genitals are "bad" or "evil," which can cause problems later in life. Kids need gentle, matter-of-fact conversation about sexual matters, and they need coaching about what to do if someone is approaching them sexually.

To tell you the truth, I think I was probably 8 years old when my friend down the street took the neighborhood boys under his porch and explained the birds and the bees to us. Hearing it from a kid in a secretive way made sex seem like something dirty, secretive, rebellious, and silly. If I had heard the truth from my parents first, presenting it in a godly way, my life may have been different. I know one of the turning points in my life came when I started reading up on the God-given purpose for sex and the spiritual ramifications behind it. Without that understanding, there’s no other reason to abstain or avoid unhealthy sexual situations. Even the "scare" approach of teaching STDs is not effective unless it comes in conjunction with a teaching about God’s plan for sex (people can be reminded that when two people stay pure before and during marriage, there is no chance of an STD). I’m not saying, though, that you need to explain STDs to your 8-year-old (unless, of course, the Lord leads you to). My point is that sex needs to be understood for what it is in the body, soul, and spirit. As long as it remains a mysterious, dark thing, Satan can get a grip on the child’s mind. But Satan has no grip on that which has been brought into the light. Even though 8-years-old seems too young for "the talk," if he doesn’t get it at home now, someone will certainly tell him outside the home. I know of kids as young as 6 who have been introduced to the whole process (usually by friends with older siblings who were not taught in a healthy way).

As for letting your son play alone, there comes a point when you need to trust the Holy Spirit and the conscience that you’ve raised up in your son. If you have explained what things to be careful of (unhealthy sexual interaction, drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc.), then you’ve done your part as a parent where these matters are concerned. No parent will ever be able to catch everything the devil throws at their child. We need to remember that as a parent, you are simply God’s steward taking care of one of His kids that He has so lovingly given to you. In other words, trust Him to do the rest of the parenting. Hovering over your son translates to him that you don’t trust him, and that filters through a child’s soul to wound their identity. As a result, instead of just thinking, "Mom doesn’t trust me," they internalize it and believe it is who they are. They view themselves as "untrustworthy"--as if that’s "who they are"--and then their actions follow suit. A child’s beliefs about their identity carry far more weight than mere rules about what things to avoid. A child can know all the rules; but if they believe that they are untrustworthy, they will make decisions accordingly.

In short, you don’t need to hover over your son--God can do that (He’s a professional at the whole "hovering" business--Genesis 1:2 says He did it through eternity past "over the surface of the deep!"). :-)

Keep praying actively for your son. God will handle everything you can’t. Even though I experienced some rough things in my childhood, I always felt that my parents trusted me, which actually kept me out of a lot of trouble. Not wanting to break their trust played on my conscience often. If your son feels loved and trusted at home, he’s more likely to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s still small voice when he’s out in the neighborhood or at a friend’s house. This is where the line between wisdom and fear comes in. Talk to your son about the rough family situations that these neighborhood kids come from. Explain to him what kinds of "hurts" they might have in their hearts from not having a mom or dad, or from having a family that isn’t serving Jesus. Explain to him that God has a purpose for him and that he might be the only person who ever showed Jesus to these other kids. Explain what it is to "show them Jesus." Talk about demonstrating the love of God through his actions and the purity of God through his decisions. Then tell him that you and God are trusting him with a big responsibility: to be a light in the darkness.

By giving your son a mission to carry out, it will be easier for him to understand his purpose. This is his true identity. Again, his beliefs about his identity carry far more weight than rules or good advice. When your son comes home from playing, ask him if he got to share Jesus in any way. If he says yes, rejoice with him and talk about how that might impact the people involved. If he says no, then simply ask him what he did with his friends; then try to help him see even little ways that he might have shared Jesus without knowing it (like "having fun" while playing soccer, playing well on a team, or being a good friend). The more you keep things positive and the less pressure there is when mistakes are made, the better.

All this stuff sounds awkward to jump right into if it’s new to you, but it’s healthy and worthwhile. In summary, (1) spend more time ministering to your son’s identity than you spend explaining rules; (2) build relationships with the other moms so you can help them be better parents and so you can set an example for your son of what it is to “be a light;” (3) treat sexual matters with gentleness and truthfulness about the physical and spiritual aspects of purity; (4) keep praying for your son and his friends; and (5) let God handle all the aspects of parenting that you’re unable to participate in. As long as you stay faithful to you responsibilities and don’t try to do God’s part, you’ll have a lot more peace as a parent…which actually makes you a better parent!

Thank you for entrusting these questions to me; I hope I’ve conveyed some godly wisdom here. Please pray about what I’ve shared and weigh the advice because I’m not a guru of infinite knowledge--I’m just a fellow Christian seeking to honor God. Check with the Word of God and the inner witness of the Holy Spirit. Also, if something didn’t make sense, or if you have other concerns, feel free to ask more questions--I’d be happy to answer.

Thanks again, and God bless!
--Art--